We just got back from China and I can't sleep (the jet lag is killing me!) so I decided it's finally time to write about my experience with infertility for the past almost 2 years. It's 12:20 AM and I'm thinking that it might be kind of therapeutic. Maybe it will put me to sleep...or maybe it will make me more upset. I think it will feel good to write it all out, honestly. I've been wanting to document the whole process for months but I just get too busy. I think I need to slow down a little bit. I think I try to fit too much into every day and life gets more stressful than it needs to be.
Tyler and I were married on May 9, 2008, exactly one year to the day after we had our first day. It just worked out that way. I got married when I was 21 and the thought of having children absolutely
terrified me. Like panicked me A LOT. I think after getting married I realized that I had to be an adult and worry about things like getting good jobs, paying for everything, and all around just growing up. For some reason when you're single you just don't worry about things like that as much. Life isn't so serious. The older you get, the larger your problems become and I wasn't quite ready for that. In the back of my mind, I was almost kind of worried that I would never get that motherly instinct. I heard some girls say that all they ever wanted to be was a mother growing up. When I grew up, I wanted to have a great career and be really smart and set myself up for success. I was independent and didn't want to have to rely on anyone. I wanted to know that I could take of myself. The "plan" was to get married when I was at least 25 after I graduated college and had a great career going for myself. When you meet the right person, it all falls into place but I was worried that I would never want to have kids and feel kind of trapped. I guess I just wanted to get to experience it all. I was one of the first of my friends to get married and I guess I was kind of insecure because I don't like being the first person to do things. I like to know the ocean is safe and see other people swimming before I jump in. As some of my friends started getting married and having kids, I started to relax a little bit. If they could do it and had experienced it before me, I knew I would have a good support group.
I remember sitting in church one day in primary at the front (I was in the primary presidency at my church for all of the kids). It was the fall of 2012. I saw a little girl sitting on the front row with big, sweet brown eyes and an impression came over me that I would have a little girl that would look like her. She was ready to come to our home. We were in the process of selling our house and building a new one so I talked to Tyler and we decided that we would start trying as soon as we moved into our new house. I didn't want to be sick while living with my in-laws (we lived there after we sold our house and while our new house was being built). I stopped taking birth control in June of 2013. We were ready! Now was the time! We figured it would just happen after trying for a few months. After it didn't we started monitoring it more. We would use the ovulation calculators you can find on your phone and try to time it so that we would get pregnant. When that didn't work, I also bought a thermometer that was supposed to tell you when you temperature was raised a bit which would indicate ovulation. That didn't work either. After trying this for a year, I decided it was time to call a fertility center. We called them in June of 2014 and started treatments in July of 2014.
When we walked into the office for the first time, sweet Tyler was upbeat as usual. He has the most positive personality of anyone that I have ever met and I absolutely love him for it. He's so happy and he spreads that happiness wherever he goes. He doesn't have a bad day because he chooses not to. We walked in about 10 minutes early because we needed to finish filling out our paperwork. The receptionist said, "you were supposed to have that done when you got here" in an annoyed voice. I wanted to scream at her. "Really, lady?! As if this day isn't hard enough already, you have to get upset about me not having the paperwork done when I gave myself plenty of time to finish it by coming early?!" Instead I just smiled slightly and sat down.
We met with our doctor and ran all of the initial testing that day. My thyroid was a little low and Tyler had a low sperm count. Not crazy low, but low enough that it might contribute to the problem. Our doctor didn't seem worried though. Everything as far as ovaries and my "insides" (I don't know how else to say that lol) looked great. She put me on Femara which is similar to Chlomed which is a drug that ensures you ovulate. It didn't work on it's own the first month, so we added a trigger shot for the next two months straight where you inject yourself with the shot in your stomach exactly 24 hours before you do artificial insemination. We had to bring in a "sample" for them within an hour and then they would get the good sperm and put it directly into me exactly where it should go. Luckily we live close. I think it would be
super awkward if you had to collect it at the doctor's office. It's already weird enough. These didn't work either. I started my period after all 3 of these months which obviously indicated that I wasn't pregnant.
After two failed IUI's, and because we have great insurance, we decided to move forward with the
big infertility treatment - in vitro. I went to a shot class where they told us how to give ourselves each of the medications. I couldn't help thinking, "man, they trust us to do this to ourselves!" It's a lot of responsibility and in case you didn't know, I'm not a doctor, or a nurse for that matter. I took anatomy in college and
did not pass with flying colors. I barely made it out alive. (Side note: do not take anatomy your freshman year of college. It's HARD and you won't give yourself enough time study).
While I wasn't thrilled with the idea of giving myself shots, I was kind of naive and didn't know what I was in for. In fact, when I started giving myself the Lupron injections in my stomach each morning it wasn't that bad at first. It's a really small needle and a really small amount of the drug so it didn't bother me for the first two weeks. I had many people warn me before starting that it was a horrible experience. I had people tell me that they turned into complete emotional train wrecks when they were going through in vitro and that they turned into different people. They warned Tyler to get ready to be patient (he already is so I wasn't worried about that). But for the first couple weeks, I honestly thought they were kind of wimps. I thought to myself, "this isn't that bad! It's going to work and I'm going to have a great success story and move on with my life! We'll get that sweet baby here in no time." Then I started then next set of medications...
It was a Sunday morning when I needed to start giving myself both Menopur and Follistim. Tyler had just left for a meeting at church but I thought I would be fine on my own because I had been giving myself the other shots. I started with the Follistim. It comes in a big pen, like an epi pen, then you put in a cartridge with the drug and twist the dial on the end to indicate how high of a dose you need. You then push the dial down and the medicine goes into your stomach. Well guess what? When you push the dial down it twists on your thumb making it practically impossible to give yourself without wiggle the needle all over the place. OUCH! That was surprise number one. Surprise number two: Menopur. I have since heard this medication called Satan's Liquid by another IVF patient. Guess what, nurses? It would have been nice to know that it BURNS like %^$# when you inject it! It feels like fire is going into your stomach. Maybe it wouldn't have been
quite so bad had I been warned. Immediately after the injection I burst into tears,
sobbing. Picture me, in my kitchen in my pj's, sobbing to myself and crying (literally saying these words out loud), "I don't want to do this to myself any more. It hurts and I can't do this. I don't want to do this." It was so pathetic and sad. I went into the bathroom to blow my nose and just keep sobbing. I had to keep giving myself all 3 of these shots every day for about two more weeks. Tyler helped me push the medication in once I got the needles in my stomach which helped a lot.
They did the egg retrieval on a Thursday morning and called in "sick." No one at work, except one person, knew I was doing these treatments. It's personal and I didn't want everyone at work involved. I would tell all of my friends and family of course. The night before I was at conference for work when my nurse called me to tell me the exact time and all of the details on what I needed to do. I had to leave the meeting I was in, then go back into the meeting to get a pen and paper to write it all down. She told me I had to give myself the trigger shot at exactly 10 pm, 12 hours before the retrieval. She said this was the most important thing. I went in the next morning with Tyler. I wasn't allowed to wear any lotion or makeup. I had comfy clothes on. I walked in and they hooked up the IV so that I could be sedated. After the procedure, they transferred me to a room on the side where Tyler and I could sit and wait for me to wake up. The doctor came in and told me they were able to retrieve 36 eggs! That was a lot and she said that most of them looked to be in really good shape! Tyler drove me home (but not before stopping to get some Ranch Corn Nuts and other snacks for me at the grocery store). I have no idea why I was craving those! I hardly ever eat them. He put me to bed (with my Corn Nuts at my request...plus some popcorn) and I ate a bit then feel asleep. I woke up with popcorn pieces all over my bed that I had been sleeping on...nice one, Jenica.
I was really crampy and
very bloated. It took about 3 days to be able to walk comfortably. We stopped at Wal Mart one night on our way home to get something and Tyler suggested that I get into the grocery cart so he could push me around. At first I was too prideful and embarrassed, then after about 10 more steps I agreed and thought it was a great idea. He put a little pillow in the cart so I could sit there and we stayed for about 30 minutes. He's so cute.
We got a call a few days later and then every day with an update with how many embryos were created from my eggs and his sperm. In the end, it was only 3 that were good embryos that were viable for transfer. We decided to freeze 2 and transfer 1 to start.
Tuesday was transfer day and we were so excited! Today was the day were going to get pregnant. I met Tyler at the doctor's office. The morning was a little hectic because I realized that my pharmacy hadn't sent me Valium that I needed to take for the procedure, so 15 minutes before I was supposed to arrive at the Dr's office, I called frantic so the nurse called it in to my local Walgreens. The transfer went well and I was supposed to rest for a couple days afterward. He took the cutest picture of "our family" with a photo of the embryos. Tyler drove me home and we went to pick up my car the next morning. Rachel and Drew brought us dinner that night (yummy Kneaders) and Heather brought us dinner the next night. Carol and Walt sent Bajio home with Tyler for me. My mom visited. Our friends and family have taken good care of us.
I had a busy couple of weeks after that and I was worried that I was putting too much stress on myself but I was also glad that I had things to distract myself. I threw a big Valentine's party for a company and as soon as everyone left my house, I went to the bathroom and started my period. There it was. I was kind of in disbelief and so disappointed. Pandora was playing in the background still from my party and a Coldplay song came on. The lyrics said, "Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard. I'm going back to the start."
At first I started laughing a little bit. Really?! This song comes on and yes, I'm going back to the start. Then I started crying. It was sad. Tyler walked in from cleaning up some of the chairs from the living room and I told him. We just hugged each other for a bit, both with heavy hearts.
At least we had our two frozen embryos, right? I called the doctor's office the next day and went in for my scheduled blood draw. I was supposed to find out that day if I was pregnant or not but I already knew. They just wanted to make sure.
So....we started into another round, this time a frozen cycle and medications were different. I now had to give myself lots of shots in my butt...and then needles were LONG. The first time I did it, I cried and cried because I was SO scared then said a prayer. When the needle went in and it didn't very much I knew it was because my Heavenly Father was protecting me. Tyler gave me the shot by the way, and many of the shots in my booty after that too cause it was a tough angle. My sister Katelyn came over once to do in when Tyler was out of town to give me the shot, and my friend Naomi came over as well. They both did a great job and were kind to give me that shot all while getting mooned at the same time ;)
My bum was bruised and had little shot spots all over it for a month. I would show you a picture, but....
These shots made me feel worse than the first ones I think. I couldn't STOP EATING! I am normally a really healthy person but all I craved was crap...french fries, chips, you name it sister, I craved it. I also gained about 5 lbs in a month while doing this.
After all the shots, transfer day came and it was really hectic because the doctor called me and asked me to come at 10 when I originally was scheduled at 2, so I scrambled at work to finish some things and almost had an anxiety attack but I made it to the doctor's office where I met Tyler and took my Ambien. They make everyone take an Ambien right before so that you and your muscles are completely relaxed. The first time I took it for the first transfer it almost knocked me out and I did fall asleep for a bit on Tyler's shoulder. This time it didn't effect me very much, but it's probably because I was scrambling around like a mad woman trying to get there.
The transfer went well and I rested a for a couple days at home. It was good timing because it was General Conference weekend for my church, so we were able to relax at home. Fast forward two weeks for my blood test and I hadn't started my period yet so we were feeling hopeful. I got the call that afternoon and they said my HCG score (what they use to measure if someone is pregnant in the beginning) was higher than normal but about half as high as it should be. The nurse said I was pregnant but it might not be viable and that I would have to come back into the office for another blood test in two days. WHAT?! All of the stress of waiting two weeks and we had to wait two more days?!
I went in and took another blood test two days later and got a call that afternoon with the same results. "You're pregnant but it might not be viable because the HCG scores normally double and yours have only increased slightly." Awesome. Two more days and then
another blood test. Keep in mind we had to wait over another weekend. It was the shortest weekend ever ;)
I got the call and the nurse confirmed that my HCG scores were going back down. It appears that the embryos tried to implant but just didn't make it. I felt completely defeated and absolutely exhausted at the fact that we would have to do the whole process over again...all the shots, the egg retrieval, stomach bloating...all over again. Every shot I had given myself and sacrificed to do had been for nothing. I am fine doing them (even though they totally suck and your life turns upside down) if it had been successful, but it hadn't been. The bruising, the tears, the emotions going up and down all of the time, the heartache...and I wasn't pregnant.
We left the next day for a trip to China which was the most perfect timing possible because I just wanted to get away from my heavy life for a bit. I wanted to escape because I was sick of crying and feeling like crap. It was an incredible trip and I'm so grateful we were able to go. I did have an issue one of the planes from Beijing to Xian, however. Since I hadn't started my period (it was about two weeks late), I knew it would most likely be a miscarriage because my body had tried to be pregnant, and technically was for a little while. We had just rushed through the hot Beijing airport to make our flight (they don't use air conditioning in that airport). We had gotten Burger King and then going down the escalator I started to feel bad...and I knew it was coming. I started cramping really hard and just felt sick. When we got on the plane, we sat down and I told myself that I would go to the bathroom when we took off. I was sitting next to the window but we just didn't take off and the plane was getting hotter and hotter. I started dripping in sweat because I was in so much pain and started to get really claustrophobic. I'm not kidding when I say that the plan probably got to at least 90 degrees. I asked to get out of my seat because I felt trapped sitting next to the window. I went to the bathroom, put in a you know what and came back to sit back down. After about 5 minutes I couldn't take it any longer and asked to get out again and stand in the aisle. I have sweat dripping down my body at this point, I am in an incredible amount of pain and I'm stuck on a small airplane with no ventilation at about 90 degrees. PANIC ATTACK ALERT! Ha ha I just kept telling myself to stay calm and that I would get through it. I went to the bathroom again and sure enough it was a lot worse than normal. I went to the back of the plane and got some ice. After about another 20 minutes, the stewards opened the back door of the plane and I just sat there trying to get some air. It wasn't cool outside by any means, but at least we had a small amount of ventilation. After about 30 more minutes of sitting there, they told us to get back in our seats. I sat down in the emergency exit because there was an extra seat there and I needed to not feel so trapped next to window. My cramping was REALLY bad now and it was hard to sit still. After we took off, the air conditioning came on and the ibuprofen that I took kicked in enough for me to fall asleep for a little bit. When I woke up, I moved back next to Tyler. It was an exhausting few hours.
So now what? We are taking a few months off. I am just done. No more shots, no more doctor's visits. I just want to enjoy my life for a few months. Relax. Remember what it's like to be
happy and content for a bit. I am really trying to take care of my body and rid the toxins. We are drinking warm lemon water every morning to stimulate our livers to detox. I went to a natural medicine shop and bought some herbal pills to help with hormone balance and reproductive system balance. My doctor said I can't take them when we do another round of in vitro, but it doesn't hurt now and I'm hoping it will help. We are trying to eat less processed foods, and more organic produce and meats. And that's our story so far. I'll continue to update as our journey progresses.
In this process, I feel that God has truly watched over me in the form of family and friends. I remember not being able to hold back the tears at church one day when I told my friend (who has also struggeld with infirtilty) that I was some just simply scared to give myself the shots that next day. I came home for lunch break the following day and found a "happy basket" full of bright yellow things that cheered me up. She wrote a note saying how bad she knew that it sucked. I love that she didn't try to tell me that things would be okay...she just acknowledge that it was a rough time and that she knew what I was going through. Another time I woke up to a dozen pink roses on my front porch from a new friend that I had literally just met two weeks prior. Her note referenced one of my favorite hymns "Lord, I Would Follow Thee" that says, "in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see." I couldn't believe that someone I just met would drive all of the way to my house to express her sadness for me. The verse is so true. People would look at me and I know I looked just fine but in my heart there was sorrow that couldn't be seen. My mother and sister-in-laws all took turns bringing me dinner after the first egg retrieval. They know that food is the key to my heart :) My mom brought a cute metal flower for my garden. Another good friend who was also going through in vitro at the same time as me brought me a big basket full on IVF survival essentials like a water bottle to stay hydrated, pineapple cause I guess it's good for you (that's debatable...it didn't work Court ;) ), some chocolate and some "magic" earrings that 3 people had been wearing when their IVF transfer was successful. Since it didn't work when I wore them, I think I should probably burn the earrings because their magic is gone and they are contaminated ;)
And that's our story so far. If you have a loved one who is going through this, embrace them so they know that they are loved. Trust me, there are a few situations that I look back on and can't believe certain words came out of my mouth or thoughts crossed my mind. I was pumping myself full of drugs filled with hormones that my body HATED! So if you have a loved one going through this, I would just advise you to be gentle to that person and please forgive them if they say something that they normally wouldn't. Remember it's the drugs talking ;) If you are going through infirility struggles yourself, please know that you are not alone in this boat. Grab an oar, and we can row together.
